Well well well. It's so strange when I read my past blogs over because I usually feel so far from the feelings that I wrote in the past. I suppose it's a good thing that I keep moving on and changing. Trying to get better every day. Funny enough I am actually starting to feel better. I went to Spain alone on a search for my heart and soul. Turns out that they were just waiting for me on a bench in Retiro park. It was the most overwhelming feeling. I was sitting on a bench and mulling over every tiny thing that has happened. All of the things I refuse to think about and talk about I just let them out and gave them up to God. I kept telling myself that it was OK and that I loved myself anyway. God finally granted me reprieve from my pain. It was amazing. I physically felt like I got my life back. I have gone through so many years of feeling alone and desperate and feeling like I was not worth anything to anyone. I felt like I did not deserve anyone's love because I could not love myself. I finally gave it all up to God and am now trusting that he has a plan for me and my best interest at heart. I believe. That coupled with the ongoing therapy I feel like I am on a good path.
Now I am just working on being the best Amanda I can be and waiting patiently for God to grant me a person to share it with. I as sick and tired of being alone in this world. I want someone to explore with, I want someone to enjoy this life with. I want to laugh, cry, run, jump and splash with someone. Someday. Someday.
