Late Night Rambelings

It has been a long time since my last post. I guess it has not been that long but with everything that has happened to me it feels like a life time ago. This past summer was the best and the worst. I fell in love and got engaged. Got engaged to the most amazing human being. Kind, generous, determined, funny...the list goes on. The best part about him was how well he understood me. He really got me. He never looked at me like I was crazy and he never looked at me with pity when I told him all my sad stories. So many people do and it makes the pain from the past hurt again. I could tell him anything. I could be exactly me. I finally got to experience what love can do. Of all the wonderful guys I have had the opportunity to date I never felt that huge overwhelming feeling all the love songs seem to be written about. With Shay it was everything all those stupid songs say and more. I felt like my luck had finally changed, I thought that after all I have been through I finally got to be with my person. The person that you are in it with. I was wrong.

Turns out my person has problems too. I promised him I would stick with him. I wanted to stay and help. I would have walked through fire for him he just didn't want me to. Bi-Polar amongst other various things turned out to be my worst enemy. I don't understand why he did what he did and I doubt I ever will. All I know is that I cannot physically imagine a pain worse than what I felt that day. It broke not only my heart but everything. I feel so far from me it's silly. I know what Amanda would do and I am trying to act normal but sometimes it's just too much to handle. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry. Cry for the loss of Shay and cry for the loss of me. Cry for the loss of the idea that my life was happy. Cry because I am fairly positive that the world hates me and wants me to be alone. All I ever wanted in life was a family. A real family. I know that I am lucky beyond belief to have my father and my *sisters*. I have people in my life who are amazing AMAZING individuals but I want a home with a mom, dad, dog, kid and maybe a pet fish. I almost had it but then the world remembered its goal of constantly knocking me down. Well, I am still standing albeit barely.

Now it is 4 am and I am up watching Grey's Anatomy on abc.com (i love that tv is on the internet now) and typing this blog. Why? Because I cannot sleep. Not at all. I miss sleep but I can't do it. I hate going to bed because it's lonely and the thoughts run around my head and I can't get away. So I wait. Wait till the sun is up enough for me to go running and start the day.

The worst part is that I should be happy n EUROPE right now but that damn basterd begged me not to go. Begged, pleaded, cried. I could not move to Europe and leave the love of my life. I could barely be away from him while I was working.

I am lucky though to have people around me who care. God knows I don't deserve all of them. Even Tyler is sticking by me as a friend and if anyone should never want to talk to me again it's him. I put that poor kid through too much. He deserved better. Now I really am stating to ramble

I suppose the only thing now is to try and rebuild. Just not sure how to go about that.

Warmth and Fun in Phoenix

I love getting out of town. L-O-V-E.

Finally made the trip down to Arizona to see Melinda. This has been such a long time coming that I was really anxious. Also, I needed out of town. Bend has been getting me down. All the drama all the time starts to wear on a person. Between the job, the boys, my friends and roommates I just needed a second to breathe and regroup. Get back to me.

Before I left for AZ I made a big life decision. I quit my finance job. Just taking the steps that insure my departure to Prague. I get scared to leave my safe little bubble so I need to make my bubble less of well...a bubble. If there is nothing to hold onto I will make the leap of faith.

AZ was great. I got to meet some of Melinda's friends. Her roommate in particular really left an impression on me. In the sea of fakeness that is Scottsdale it is hard to find a truly caring, down to earth good person. Mel's roommate is one of those people and I am thankful to have met him,. Aside from the usual pool lounging we made time for some bar/club hopping. Bottle service in Scottsdale and stiff drinks at Champions aka the D of Arizona. . . . good times, good people and great friends.

It was great to be way from the expectation. The negative side of living in the town you grew up in is that everyone has an idea of who you are as a person. Very rarely are you allowed to grow and change. You are judged on ideas and actions from years past. People are prone to getting upset when you act outside of their ideas of you. It was great to be in AZ and just be me.

Now it is back to real life in Bend, OR and back to making real decisions. I am finishing out my work as a Broker and really struggling with the idea that I am not on a path. I am a solid ground kind of girl and now I feel like I am balancing on a twig that is blowing in a hurricane. I am like on of those snow globes in the sense that I feel like my world has been turned upside down and shaken. Not necessarily a bad thing just different. I am not spectacular with change. I try to keep this part of my personality hidden from view. I want to come off as this spontaneous girl who fears nothing but secretly I fear change. I get nervous and scared...I try to push through. I am trying to face my fear on a daily basis but sometimes I just want to hide in the corner.

Hearts and Flowers

February 14th...ugh. I truly cannot stand this day. Today marks the 8th anniversary of the last time I talked to my mother, the last time I saw her face. It's getting hard for me to remember what she looked like. Its also the last time I saw my baby sisters and my baby brother. I knew it was going to be the last and I can remember holding onto them so tightly. Trying not to cry because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing this was breaking my heart. I couldn't back down to her, she always thrived on having the upper hand. She was acting all simpery and sweet but I knew she didn't mean any of it, I had been there too many times before. I told her it was too late, she was no mother to me anymore. I never wanted to see her again. I know its a choice that had to be made. I stand by it today but as the years go by it harder to draw a line. I was young and now the years go by and I wonder. I wonder what they have been doing the last 8 years. Do they remember me? Miss me?

On this day of love I am reminded that the one person who is supposed to love me the most doesn't. My mother. It's like a hard slap in the face. She is supposed to be the one I can ask for advice about boys and love but she isn't there. I have nobody to turn to. This whole dating game is hard enough I just wish i had a mommy to talk to. To hold my hand when things are rough and I don't understand why things aren't working out. Someone to tell me it's all ok.

Why did she have to pick valentine's day?

In order to combat the overwhelming feeling to lay in bed and sleep all day I bake. Baking makes me feel so much better. cupcakes, cookies, muffins...anything to keep me busy. Be prepared to have baskets of treats brought to your house. Tyler will take me out to dinner and we will go watch Casablanca at the Tower Theater. Things could be worse.

Just a small town girl...

Prague...Prague. Not a day goes by anymore without thoughts of this city. Mostly "what am I thinking moving to Prague to teach English?!?". I have no answer for myself. Why would I want to leave Bend? I am so blessed here. Let's go through the list...

Bend:

* My Father: The most amazing human being hands down.
* Sisters/BFFs/roommates: I would not be the person I am today without their love and support. I thank God everday for them. Sometimes I don't think they know how much they mean to me. I would give anything for them. I am so blessed to know them, so blessed to have them in my life. They are the most unique and wonderful people I have ever met.
* Tyler: I may drive him crazy but he accepts that I am who I am...free spirit, driven and partially crazy! I cannot thank him enough for all he has done.
* Job: it kicks ass. ADMIS Broker. Awesome boss, great oppurtunity...
* Sidelines: great people, great boss, too much fun. A place I can always feel welcome. Home away from home.

Prague:

* A feeling. A sense that this is something I have to do or I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Prague wins. But I am scared.

I have a friend that lives in the Czech Republic and is shockingly also from Bend. He writes this monthly email update and the last one came a few days ago. He had just returned from holidays in the US and made some comment about being happy to be home in Czech in his own bed. Well this comment floored me. Own bed. Will I one day feel so comfortable in Prague that it will feel like home? What a strange thought because I can't imagine any place other than Bend feeling like home.

Anyway these are the first rambelings of a small town girl trying to make a dream come true. None of this would be possible if it weren't for the immense support and love I receive from friends and family on a daily basis. I am scared to see how I will survive without it once in Prague.