It has been a long time since my last post. I guess it has not been that long but with everything that has happened to me it feels like a life time ago. This past summer was the best and the worst. I fell in love and got engaged. Got engaged to the most amazing human being. Kind, generous, determined, funny...the list goes on. The best part about him was how well he understood me. He really got me. He never looked at me like I was crazy and he never looked at me with pity when I told him all my sad stories. So many people do and it makes the pain from the past hurt again. I could tell him anything. I could be exactly me. I finally got to experience what love can do. Of all the wonderful guys I have had the opportunity to date I never felt that huge overwhelming feeling all the love songs seem to be written about. With Shay it was everything all those stupid songs say and more. I felt like my luck had finally changed, I thought that after all I have been through I finally got to be with my person. The person that you are in it with. I was wrong.
Turns out my person has problems too. I promised him I would stick with him. I wanted to stay and help. I would have walked through fire for him he just didn't want me to. Bi-Polar amongst other various things turned out to be my worst enemy. I don't understand why he did what he did and I doubt I ever will. All I know is that I cannot physically imagine a pain worse than what I felt that day. It broke not only my heart but everything. I feel so far from me it's silly. I know what Amanda would do and I am trying to act normal but sometimes it's just too much to handle. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry. Cry for the loss of Shay and cry for the loss of me. Cry for the loss of the idea that my life was happy. Cry because I am fairly positive that the world hates me and wants me to be alone. All I ever wanted in life was a family. A real family. I know that I am lucky beyond belief to have my father and my *sisters*. I have people in my life who are amazing AMAZING individuals but I want a home with a mom, dad, dog, kid and maybe a pet fish. I almost had it but then the world remembered its goal of constantly knocking me down. Well, I am still standing albeit barely.
Now it is 4 am and I am up watching Grey's Anatomy on abc.com (i love that tv is on the internet now) and typing this blog. Why? Because I cannot sleep. Not at all. I miss sleep but I can't do it. I hate going to bed because it's lonely and the thoughts run around my head and I can't get away. So I wait. Wait till the sun is up enough for me to go running and start the day.
The worst part is that I should be happy n EUROPE right now but that damn basterd begged me not to go. Begged, pleaded, cried. I could not move to Europe and leave the love of my life. I could barely be away from him while I was working.
I am lucky though to have people around me who care. God knows I don't deserve all of them. Even Tyler is sticking by me as a friend and if anyone should never want to talk to me again it's him. I put that poor kid through too much. He deserved better. Now I really am stating to ramble
I suppose the only thing now is to try and rebuild. Just not sure how to go about that.
