February 14th...ugh. I truly cannot stand this day. Today marks the 8th anniversary of the last time I talked to my mother, the last time I saw her face. It's getting hard for me to remember what she looked like. Its also the last time I saw my baby sisters and my baby brother. I knew it was going to be the last and I can remember holding onto them so tightly. Trying not to cry because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing this was breaking my heart. I couldn't back down to her, she always thrived on having the upper hand. She was acting all simpery and sweet but I knew she didn't mean any of it, I had been there too many times before. I told her it was too late, she was no mother to me anymore. I never wanted to see her again. I know its a choice that had to be made. I stand by it today but as the years go by it harder to draw a line. I was young and now the years go by and I wonder. I wonder what they have been doing the last 8 years. Do they remember me? Miss me?
On this day of love I am reminded that the one person who is supposed to love me the most doesn't. My mother. It's like a hard slap in the face. She is supposed to be the one I can ask for advice about boys and love but she isn't there. I have nobody to turn to. This whole dating game is hard enough I just wish i had a mommy to talk to. To hold my hand when things are rough and I don't understand why things aren't working out. Someone to tell me it's all ok.
Why did she have to pick valentine's day?
In order to combat the overwhelming feeling to lay in bed and sleep all day I bake. Baking makes me feel so much better. cupcakes, cookies, muffins...anything to keep me busy. Be prepared to have baskets of treats brought to your house. Tyler will take me out to dinner and we will go watch Casablanca at the Tower Theater. Things could be worse.
