Speechless

The election is nothing short of moving, heart-warming, history making, hope renewing goodness. I seriously have not stopped crying. When I listen to Obama speak, read what people around the world are saying, think about the potential of our country it fills my heart with hope and my eyes with tears of joy. I am off to work BUT I leave my house with a sense that the black cloud that has hovered over the people of this great nation is lifting. I leave my house filled with hope and excitement.

Have I mentioned the love of my life NPH?

Oh Yes I may have failed to mention I am head over heels for a boy that goes by NPH aka Neil Patrick Harris aka Doogie Howser. If you have yet to view Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog you are really missing out. I discovered Dr. Horrible while searching the internet a few months back for Buffy The Vampire Slayer comic books (you heard right) when I stumbled upon Joss Whedon's newest baby Dr. Horrible. FYI Joss Whedon created Buffy ergo he is my hero. It is awesome! There is singing and dancing and an Evil League of Evil...what more could a girl ask for? For the low price of $5.97 all three acts can be purchased on iTunes.

As a small testament to my love of NPH I met a guy in Corvallis who was the spitting image of NPH. I was visiting Olivia and we were grabbing a drink at a campus bar after the game and this Doogie Howser look alike comes up and start talking to me. I literally dropped my beer and then turned a bright shade of red. I don't blush EVER. Needless to say I looked like an idiot but the nice kid kept talking to me while Olivia explained my inability to form sentences. After he bought me another beer to replace the one I dropped on him we had a good laugh. Olivia and I left for home shortly after but the second I woke up Sunday morning I had to make Olivia confirm that I had in fact met the younger version of NPH. Good times, good story.

Anyway, I realize that this blog is a true testament to my complete nerd personality but I don't care. I am a nerd and I am super proud of it. I like being silly!

In an effort to write more

Ever since I started this darn blog I have a) yet to really share it with anyone and b) yet to actually commit to writing on a regular basis. I am going to try and change that as I really like being able to get my thoughts out in a place where I can reflect on them later. Heck, I may even let people know it's out here and available for reading! I know I love reading Angie's blog everyday. It is a tiny insight into one of my best friend's daily happenings. Helps me feel connected to her even though she is far away.

So tonight I went down to BBC for the Tuesday night ritual of dinner and brews with K2. It is locals night and so the brews are cheap and it is a fun little atmosphere. Only problem is I don't like beer. Yes, I do realize that I live in the Pac NW where good beer is a staple and that I should love a good brew BUT I don't. Give me Miller Lite any day! Above all else I rather drink vodka or red wine but since we go to the brewery I dutifully order an IPA and it takes me the entire evening to finish the pint. The usual evening ensued...we discuss all the boys in the bar at the current moment, order food from the only waiter I have ever had there and commence discussion on current work/dating/lack of dating/upcoming events. All in all I was back home in time for House. Seriously, I might have an addiction to this show. I may or may not be obsessed. I am also going to try and not begin rambling about my extreme frustration in the dating world of Bend, OR. Not going to start on that rampage. I did however do the right thing by The Baby (fondly named because he was only 23...sidebar...do not date 23 year olds). Turns out I just could not keep him, I let him go back into the ocean where he can frolick with fishies his own age.

Ok that was step one in actually making this into a blog. Now I am off to watch House on fox.com (I do have a problem), and then to read as many pages in The Gospel of John as I can before I get confused (so maybe 2).

World, here I come

Well I made it to 27. I have been so looking forward to this Birthday its crazy. Not only is 27 my favorite number but I also really need to put the last year behind me. I spent 27 with my family and friends. My Dad and I went to SF to visit my grandparents in my last ditch effort to save my relationship with them, somehow I think it failed. It makes me so sad that their is such a rift in the family. I hope one day I can marry a man with a normal disfunctional family. It pains me to see the way they speak to my father. My only comfort is knowing that my children will never have to go through that. My dad will be so amazingly close to my kids. I am so lucky to have a man like him as a father. Sometimes it brings me to tears just thinking of how much I love him. Aside from the grandparents we went to the city. Mary, my dad and my dear friends Angie and Adam. We went to a fab veggie restaurant and then watched the fireworks over the bay. It made me so happy to spend time with my family. Life is all about the people you share it with. I have also set some great goals for 27 (I am positive this is my magic year!) I am going to grow my business, I am going to travel to Buenos Aires, I am going to continue to try and be the best person I can be and most importantly I am going to develop my relationship with God and trust his plan for me. I am really excited about all of these goals and I cannot wait to see what they bring to my life.

The Day Looks Bright

In the past couple of months Kim and I have rally begun to take our business to the next level. Things are really looking good for us and life is about to change in a big way. We are taking a big leap into the real world this week and I have never been so scared and excited. Business is my thing and I am really doing what I love and learning a lot along the way. I keep listening to Journey "Don't Stop Believin" to make myself feel better. Needless to say life is never going to be the same. It is one of those points when the chapter changes. It's hard to say goodbye to what was but I am so excited to see what the next couple of years hold. I came to the conclusion that nobody was going to hand me the life I wanted so I better go out and get it. The biggest change, and I think the most symbolic is that I am leaving Sidelines. That bar and the people have been family to me over the past couple of years and I damn well never would have made it if it was not for their love and support. While they will always be family I am ready to move on.

Never Stop Laughing

Well well well. It's so strange when I read my past blogs over because I usually feel so far from the feelings that I wrote in the past. I suppose it's a good thing that I keep moving on and changing. Trying to get better every day. Funny enough I am actually starting to feel better. I went to Spain alone on a search for my heart and soul. Turns out that they were just waiting for me on a bench in Retiro park. It was the most overwhelming feeling. I was sitting on a bench and mulling over every tiny thing that has happened. All of the things I refuse to think about and talk about I just let them out and gave them up to God. I kept telling myself that it was OK and that I loved myself anyway. God finally granted me reprieve from my pain. It was amazing. I physically felt like I got my life back. I have gone through so many years of feeling alone and desperate and feeling like I was not worth anything to anyone. I felt like I did not deserve anyone's love because I could not love myself. I finally gave it all up to God and am now trusting that he has a plan for me and my best interest at heart. I believe. That coupled with the ongoing therapy I feel like I am on a good path.

Now I am just working on being the best Amanda I can be and waiting patiently for God to grant me a person to share it with. I as sick and tired of being alone in this world. I want someone to explore with, I want someone to enjoy this life with. I want to laugh, cry, run, jump and splash with someone. Someday. Someday.

Late Night Rambelings

It has been a long time since my last post. I guess it has not been that long but with everything that has happened to me it feels like a life time ago. This past summer was the best and the worst. I fell in love and got engaged. Got engaged to the most amazing human being. Kind, generous, determined, funny...the list goes on. The best part about him was how well he understood me. He really got me. He never looked at me like I was crazy and he never looked at me with pity when I told him all my sad stories. So many people do and it makes the pain from the past hurt again. I could tell him anything. I could be exactly me. I finally got to experience what love can do. Of all the wonderful guys I have had the opportunity to date I never felt that huge overwhelming feeling all the love songs seem to be written about. With Shay it was everything all those stupid songs say and more. I felt like my luck had finally changed, I thought that after all I have been through I finally got to be with my person. The person that you are in it with. I was wrong.

Turns out my person has problems too. I promised him I would stick with him. I wanted to stay and help. I would have walked through fire for him he just didn't want me to. Bi-Polar amongst other various things turned out to be my worst enemy. I don't understand why he did what he did and I doubt I ever will. All I know is that I cannot physically imagine a pain worse than what I felt that day. It broke not only my heart but everything. I feel so far from me it's silly. I know what Amanda would do and I am trying to act normal but sometimes it's just too much to handle. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry. Cry for the loss of Shay and cry for the loss of me. Cry for the loss of the idea that my life was happy. Cry because I am fairly positive that the world hates me and wants me to be alone. All I ever wanted in life was a family. A real family. I know that I am lucky beyond belief to have my father and my *sisters*. I have people in my life who are amazing AMAZING individuals but I want a home with a mom, dad, dog, kid and maybe a pet fish. I almost had it but then the world remembered its goal of constantly knocking me down. Well, I am still standing albeit barely.

Now it is 4 am and I am up watching Grey's Anatomy on abc.com (i love that tv is on the internet now) and typing this blog. Why? Because I cannot sleep. Not at all. I miss sleep but I can't do it. I hate going to bed because it's lonely and the thoughts run around my head and I can't get away. So I wait. Wait till the sun is up enough for me to go running and start the day.

The worst part is that I should be happy n EUROPE right now but that damn basterd begged me not to go. Begged, pleaded, cried. I could not move to Europe and leave the love of my life. I could barely be away from him while I was working.

I am lucky though to have people around me who care. God knows I don't deserve all of them. Even Tyler is sticking by me as a friend and if anyone should never want to talk to me again it's him. I put that poor kid through too much. He deserved better. Now I really am stating to ramble

I suppose the only thing now is to try and rebuild. Just not sure how to go about that.